THE DRINKING PENALTIES & FINES
1) The Big ‘Un. The tournament’s losing team will not face eye-shots. They will not be forced to neck a pitcher or pubes, mud and cider. No. Rather, they will pay their respect to those who made this possible; Robert Milne & The Jacksons (fuck off jacksons). Whilst absolutely shit-faced, they must construct two 500 word apology letters of differing content (#nocopyandpaste); one to be sent immediately to [email protected] and one to be hand delivered to 13, Briar Walk, SW15 6UD. This will be decided by vote; each team gets one vote deciding which team was the most shambolic out of the 4 teams that fail to qualify from their group. Any whining about the group decision will result in a short but sweet spanking by Aadil Gulrez.
2) Crucial to the success of the event is the ‘Pungent Chat’ penalty – judged by a democratic voting system, any chat deemed ‘lacking in humorous/sexual/aggressive/competitive vigor’ will result in a shot of the finest BUCCAAAAAAAAA. Any whining will result in a short but sweet bukakkkkke, administered by Aadil Gulrez.
3) Misconduct, particularly abusing Alim Dar (for he is doing us a favor by attending) is completely unacceptable. Similarly, if any equipment is thrown, however rash the decision/ average the batting display, a DIRTY PINT will be issued, as well as a non-punishment supervision.
4) If you hit a ball over the fence, you WILL do a shot of sambuca (regardless of whether or not it is found)
5) It has been agreed that if you lose a ball, you ARE a cunt (regardless of whether or not you lofted it over the covers). The severity of the penalty will depend on the class of the shot. A brash slog over cow corner will result in an eye shot of a spirit of your choice, whereas a sweetly timed straight drive will result in a double shot of the spirit of the day, however this can be enjoyed through the mouth not the eye. If a single player has multiple offences, he will not receive his complimentary lap dance from John’s floozy gran.
6) If you drop 2 catches in succession, you'll be doing an Edward 40 hands after your game
7) A bowler will be issued with a warning if the 45mph speed limit is exceeded. If there is a recurrence of this blasphemy, a bukakke is in order.
8) On a lighter and less ejaculatory note, any shot that prompts applause from the Barmy Army (eg. A delicate late-cut down to 3rd man) WILL be received with an appreciative sip of a 4.5% tinny.
9) The losing team of a match must drink 5 fingers each.
10) If a batsman gets a golden duck (out first ball of the innings), shot of buca will be poured into the mouth as seductively as possible by Aadil Gulrez. If it is a consecutive duck then you’re shite and drink 5 fingers.
11) An over (10 ball overs played) which is dispatched for over 25 runs will result in a swift 4 fingers, and lots of heckling from the terraces.
12) No-balls and wides – 2 fingers drunk as quickly as possible in order to ensure the speed of the game.
13) More than one bouncer an over, will be punished with 3 fingers (the punishment is minimal as bouncers are funny, but also very dangerous)
14) If a player has pranced down the track, looking for the big ‘un and clearly been stumped, there is only one obvious penalty. Stumpy arms once your match has finished until your next one starts. If you do not know what stumpy arms are, do ask Matt Hykin
15) Most importantly if there is any complaining about umpiring decisions or drinking penalties you will be branded a nonce and a dirty pint concocted by Mr Gulrez is in order.
16) Inadequate kit, will be heavily punished through a Ben-Hu style nipple and cream shot off of your partner’s nipple. (Credit to A.North)
17) Last person to arrive (therefore showing inadequate excitement for the event) will consume a bowl of Cornflakes moistened not by milk, oh no, but by either vodka or sambuca. So my advice, be prompt.
18) Best player of the tournament nominated by Gulrez, nominates the worst player of the tournament who consumes 3 bucas in quick succession (Chubby White’s style)
N.B. Whilst we are looking to get absolutely trollied, we must stress that we don't want any passings out until your team has been eliminated. If you can't 'face up' to batting or bowling, you will be disqualified and made to knock on the Jackson's door and tell them of your shame
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND
If you are too sober, you are an absolute shlad/granny slapper/probable fiddler. So don't be sober and don't be disabledly drunk.
2) Crucial to the success of the event is the ‘Pungent Chat’ penalty – judged by a democratic voting system, any chat deemed ‘lacking in humorous/sexual/aggressive/competitive vigor’ will result in a shot of the finest BUCCAAAAAAAAA. Any whining will result in a short but sweet bukakkkkke, administered by Aadil Gulrez.
3) Misconduct, particularly abusing Alim Dar (for he is doing us a favor by attending) is completely unacceptable. Similarly, if any equipment is thrown, however rash the decision/ average the batting display, a DIRTY PINT will be issued, as well as a non-punishment supervision.
4) If you hit a ball over the fence, you WILL do a shot of sambuca (regardless of whether or not it is found)
5) It has been agreed that if you lose a ball, you ARE a cunt (regardless of whether or not you lofted it over the covers). The severity of the penalty will depend on the class of the shot. A brash slog over cow corner will result in an eye shot of a spirit of your choice, whereas a sweetly timed straight drive will result in a double shot of the spirit of the day, however this can be enjoyed through the mouth not the eye. If a single player has multiple offences, he will not receive his complimentary lap dance from John’s floozy gran.
6) If you drop 2 catches in succession, you'll be doing an Edward 40 hands after your game
7) A bowler will be issued with a warning if the 45mph speed limit is exceeded. If there is a recurrence of this blasphemy, a bukakke is in order.
8) On a lighter and less ejaculatory note, any shot that prompts applause from the Barmy Army (eg. A delicate late-cut down to 3rd man) WILL be received with an appreciative sip of a 4.5% tinny.
9) The losing team of a match must drink 5 fingers each.
10) If a batsman gets a golden duck (out first ball of the innings), shot of buca will be poured into the mouth as seductively as possible by Aadil Gulrez. If it is a consecutive duck then you’re shite and drink 5 fingers.
11) An over (10 ball overs played) which is dispatched for over 25 runs will result in a swift 4 fingers, and lots of heckling from the terraces.
12) No-balls and wides – 2 fingers drunk as quickly as possible in order to ensure the speed of the game.
13) More than one bouncer an over, will be punished with 3 fingers (the punishment is minimal as bouncers are funny, but also very dangerous)
14) If a player has pranced down the track, looking for the big ‘un and clearly been stumped, there is only one obvious penalty. Stumpy arms once your match has finished until your next one starts. If you do not know what stumpy arms are, do ask Matt Hykin
15) Most importantly if there is any complaining about umpiring decisions or drinking penalties you will be branded a nonce and a dirty pint concocted by Mr Gulrez is in order.
16) Inadequate kit, will be heavily punished through a Ben-Hu style nipple and cream shot off of your partner’s nipple. (Credit to A.North)
17) Last person to arrive (therefore showing inadequate excitement for the event) will consume a bowl of Cornflakes moistened not by milk, oh no, but by either vodka or sambuca. So my advice, be prompt.
18) Best player of the tournament nominated by Gulrez, nominates the worst player of the tournament who consumes 3 bucas in quick succession (Chubby White’s style)
N.B. Whilst we are looking to get absolutely trollied, we must stress that we don't want any passings out until your team has been eliminated. If you can't 'face up' to batting or bowling, you will be disqualified and made to knock on the Jackson's door and tell them of your shame
BUT ON THE OTHER HAND
If you are too sober, you are an absolute shlad/granny slapper/probable fiddler. So don't be sober and don't be disabledly drunk.